Parenting Toddlers and Young Children

Daddy do it

• Meg A. Hi again, Katrina! I suggest 1) proactively offer to have daddy do selective things for her throughout the day, so that she gets that "daddy attention" and help that she wants, but without demanding it (e.g. "It's time to get dressed. As soon as you get on your clothes, would you like Daddy to help you put on your shoes?") In that way, you'll nip some demanding in the bud. 2) Do NOT help her anytime she yells, whines, throws a tantrum or doesn't ask with a "please." Be consistent. If it's something that you're willing to help with, but she didn't ask properly, then let her know that as soon as she asks nicely (and you can give her an example of how that sounds) that you're happy to help. And, stand firm that, while you're willing to help with some things when asked properly, she will need to do certain things herself. Remind her that when she is able to do some things for herself, it frees you to do the things you need to do and you'll have more time to do fun things together. If you're consistent, she'll find that yelling "daddy do it!" doesn't work and it will stop. Best, Meg

Preparing toddler for sibling

• Meg A. Hi Sarah, Congratulations! It's going to definitely be an adjustment for your son, but keep your attitude positive (see my answer to Eva) because your expectations and outlook are important and will affect him, and do all these things you mentioned. Those are all effective ways to smooth the transition. In addition, if you're not already, read some story books with him that involve being an older brother -- that will provide a good opportunity for him to express his feelings about it and for you to convey the messages you want. And, make up/act out stories with characters/puppets that involve a baby in the mix to work through scenarios in a fun way. And, once the baby is born, remember to highlight all the ways that he has privileges and abilities as a "big boy" - the benefits of being older - that the baby doesn't have! Keep fostering the bond between them as they grow, finding way for them to play together and cooperate/be helpful to each other and the rewards will be great! Best, Meg

Our Q&A starts now!

Dealing with baby sister

• Meg A. Hi Katrina, As I said in a previous answer, there is always meaning behind the behavior. It seems your daughter is communicating that she is not happy that her world has been turned upside down by the arrival of someone else into the family and she wants more control and attention. You are right to explain and remain firm on the rules of civility, but it's going to take more -- you'll need to respond to her need for those two things. Show her that she has much more control over things than her baby sister by giving her lots of choices to empower her (see the technique that I explained in my answer to Catalina, earlier). And, make sure that she gets not just attention, but lots of one-on-one "special time" (you can call it that) with the grown-ups in her life. Talk about these special activities in advance, letting her help plan them (i.e. "How about we bake together, just you and me, while baby is napping this afternoon? Would you like that? Let's talk about what we'll make and see what we'll need.") and letting her know how much you (or whomever is spending time with her - daddy, aunt...) look forward to and enjoy the one-on-one time with her. Talk about them afterward (e.g. When tucking her in bed at night "I loved baking with you today! Wasn't that fun? Would you like to do that again soon?") This will remind her that she is just as important to you, and that she doesn't need to gain control or get attention by acting out towards the baby. I hope that is helpful! Best, Meg

• Katrina Thank you! Unfortunately my baby is a teething monster, cries a lot and takes only 2 half hour naps a day so the special time is very limited but i will do my best tomaximize it.

• Meg A. Katrina - I understand the challenge (I have four children), but see what you can do to arrange with other adults in your life to help with the baby once a week, say, or to have special time with your older child themselves.

stubborn almost 3yo

• Meg A. Hi Emily, Well, by now I'm starting to sound like a broken record, but, this is a classic example of what I spoke about in previous answers. The meaning behind the behavior seems clearly to be your daughter's desperate desire for control and independence. I totally believe you that nearly everything has become a struggle. I've seen it before. You're not alone. The solution is to give her appropriate choices in spades. Please see the answer to Catalina's question. I am confident that if you proactively give her lots and lots of choices throughout the day (and I mean in everything you do - e.g. " Do you want to hold Mommy or Daddy's hand when we cross the street now?"), in a few days you will start to see the power struggles fade. Best, Meg

Toddler Behavior & Younger Sibling

• Meg A. Hi Eva, Welcome to the world of siblings!! I have several thoughts for you: First, stay optimistic and, although there are naturally some jealously/control issues that come up for almost all older siblings when there is a new member of the family (some times cropping up immediately and sometimes a little later as in your case), siblings don't inevitably have to have a competitive . I encourage you to constantly stay with the intention of fostering a wonderful bond between your daughters -- it is absolutely possible and can be one of the most rewarding things for both you and your children. I have helped many families do this and have raised my own four children to have amazing relationships ; they adore and support each other. So, keep your eye on the prize! You're absolutely right in carving out lots of one-on-one time for your older daughter. That is key. Particularly, if there is one parent with whom she gets to spend less time, plan out a set "special" time with her each week where the activity is distinct and something she loves (going on a hike, doing an art project, baking together) and remind her that only she is old enough to do that. Similarly, keep reminding her of the other privileges and abilities she has in being the older child -- things that her baby sister can't do yet. When you must keep her from taking the baby's toys or being rough with her (for which you might need to separate her in a quiet place for a few minutes as a consequence), remind her that, in a family, everyone must be treated nicely and that you don't let the baby take away her toys or hit her —— that everyone must feel safe and be taken care of and that you will always do that for her, too. It sounds like you're on the right path -- continue to not allow the grabbing and aggressive behavior, removing her from the situation and firmly stating the behavior you want to see (not just what not to do) when she gets rough or possessive, and heaping on the praise when she is loving and kind with her little sister. Best, Meg

Tot's Behavior

• Meg A. Hi Neha, I'm not sure how old your child is, but, in any case, you're right to want to keep the language among your family respectful and kind always. But, on the other hand, you do want to let your child express her/his emotions. So, I suggest saying: "We want you to use nice language with us, just like we do with each other and to you. When you say 'get out of my house,' that hurts us and makes us feel sad —— we would never say that to you because that would make you sad, right? ——so that's not ok. If you're angry or upset, you can always tell me that. Say 'mommy, I'm angry right now!' Letting me know that is ok. And, we can talk about it or find a way to let the anger out without making anyone feel hurt." Be 100% firm, clear and consistent with your rules for treating each other with kindness and, at the same time, allow for and acknowledge your child's feelings, which are real and valid. Best of luck! Meg

Toddlers and food

• Meg A. Hi Alida, This is a complicated topic given that it has progressed to the degree that your daughter has gotten to the point where she is refusing almost all foods. Typically, we advise to NOT let yourself become a "short order cook" because that just fosters the pickiness. At each meal offer different foods in small portions prepared in various ways and let her eat what she chooses. If she chooses not to eat anything, there is no other option for her (and certainly no dessert if that's something you usually have) except for her to get herself one of a few healthy alternatives that you have on hand that don't require preparation (e.g. carrot sticks, yogurt, banana) or coming back later to eat some of her meal that you've saved for her in case she has changed her mind. Keep encouraging her to try foods -- even just one bite -- because it can take many tries before children come to like certain foods. You'll want to make sure with her doctor that she is a healthy weight and it's ok to let her go without eating if she refuses everything you offer. Most doctors would say that children will eventually eat when they are hungry and it's best not to get into a power struggle over eating or to succumb to pickiness. Offer healthy and varied alternatives and she will learn to eat them. If you cater to her narrow tastes, she won't develop tastes for foods that allow for the nutrients that a varied diet supplies. Keep conversation at meal times about fun and interesting topics rather than about trying to get her to eat (and, you can require that she sit at the table for a certain amount of time at each meal, whether or not she's eating -- say five or ten minutes -- since mealtime is important for other reasons). I recommend getting your pediatrician's take on this at your next visit. Best of luck! Best, Meg

Hitting

• Meg A. Hi Emily, You are correct in assessing that this is behavior that you want to nip in the bud completely! You're right that yelling isn't helpful. And, I'm so glad that you don't hit or spank him -- we know from research that it's counterproductive and has detrimental effects in the long run. I suggest establishing a zero-tolerance position on any kind of hitting (even gentle). To do this, you need to figure out consequences that are meaningful and impose a consequence for EVERY infraction (time-outs if done consistently usually work because no child prefers getting no attention and doing nothing for a length of time over and over). If consequences (not just saying "no" or explaining why he can't hit) are implemented consistently, he should stop the behavior because children don't continue behavior that's not working for them. Right now, he's getting attention for his bad behavior and that's working for him. If you need help with implementing time-out effectively, I have a short chapter about it in my book. It takes perseverance, to establish a tolerance for any kind of hitting, but the pay-off is huge. Children who grow up in a household where no hitting is tolerated feel safe and nurtured, and that is a feeling that will benefit them for a lifetime! Good luck! Best, Meg

Positive discipline for sensitive toddler?

• Meg A. Hi Paula, If you've seen my previous answers, you're probably detecting a theme: Your daughter is expressing a need for control over her little world where it seems that she very often being told what to do and when to do it. Try to put yourself in her place to understand that need for some independence. Explaining things will only get you so far, and "letting go" will not teach her what she needs to learn. But, you're right -- you want to stay away from yelling and spanking. The antidote is the strategy that I gave Catalina in an earlier answer. Choices, choices, choices! By proactively and constantly giving her choices throughout the day, you will start to eliminate power struggles. (See my answer to Catalina for more specifics). And, in terms of putting an end to whining -- the most effective way to banish whining (and, it can be done) is to never give in to it. Many of us become oblivious to the whining. When our child says "I waaant waaater!" in a whiny voice, we give it to them! It takes self-discipline as a parent to be vigilant and stop and say, "as soon as you ask for what you want in regular voice with "please", I'll be happy to give it to you" and to never let whining slip by. But, if one is 100% non-compliant to whining, it will stop pretty quickly because it is human nature for a child to only continue a behaviors that are working for him/her. So stay alert to even the slightest whining and don't succumb! You can do it! Best, Meg

• Paula Thank you so much! We try to give choices throughout the day and that has definitely helped so glad that we are doing something right :) I will read through the reply to Catalina for more details on the strategy.

Sharing

• Meg A. Hi Emily, I'll respond to your questions later tonight. Stay tuned... Meg

• Meg A. Hi Emily, As you can see from observing his peers, although sharing is difficult for toddlers because of the executive function (self-control) it requires, young children can learn to "take turns." And, it sounds like it might help if you practice that with him. You can do that while you're playing together: "While you push one car, I'm going to play with the other and then we'll switch. Which car would you like to play with first, the red or the green?" He'll see how this works if you practice it at home and should then be able to better manage with his peers. Nursery school should help, but, in terms of dealing with the bad behavior on play dates, I suggest 1) talking with him about expectations in advance - how he will need to take turns with toys ("remember how we did that together?"), and that he can, for example, before the playdate (if it's at your house), put away in a closet three toys that he doesn't want to share, and 2) using "consequences" (see my book for the difference between consequences and punishment), removing toys from him that he has taken away from his playmate and stopping activities when he becomes disruptive about taking turns and moving on to something else. If he is not able to take turns with a toy that another child wants to share, then he can't play with it (and, the other child can). He can only play if he's not keeping other children from playing with other toys. Be consistent and he will learn to take turns. It will take vigilance, but you'll learn tricks (such as singing a song to keep track of the time each child gets to take turns with a toy). I'm confident that you'll successfully teach him the art of taking turns and he'll develop into a good "sharer!" Best, Meg

Three-year-old behavioral issues connected to nap/sleep, routine, or development?

• Meg A. Hi Su! I'll respond to your question later tonight. Stay tuned... Meg

• Meg A. Hi Su, You have a lot of questions wrapped into one here, but, I'll try to break it down. First of all, while travel and other life events can certainly be disruptive, what you're describing sounds more like normal development. Napping: If you observe that she falls apart more easily and her behavior is worse on days without a nap, then it sounds like she still needs a nap (or at least a set time in her bed to rest -- say 30 or 45 minutes -- since we can't control whether a child actually sleeps!). On the other hand, she's going to bed on the late side for a three-year-old, so if your schedule allows it, you could try (for a few days in a row to see how it works), skipping the nap, but putting her to bed much earlier, around 7 pm. Your right to be considering what schedule changes might need to be made because children's needs and patterns change (just as we think we've got it nailed!) and we need to try different things to see how best to adjust. If you decide to stick with the nap, it also sounds like she needs some sort of transition when waking up (or getting out of bed) from her nap. Maybe you tell her a quiet story or read her a book while she is still in bed to help her make that transition. In terms of the stubbornness in the first part of your question: I might be wrong, but what you are describing as "giving her options so that she can decide on her own" sounds a little different than the "choices, choices, choices" strategy I mentioned in several other answers below (see my answer to Catalina). Instead of giving her options just when you want her to do something (which is also good any time that you can), I suggest proactively giving tons of choices throughout the day about seemingly inconsequential things (they won't be inconsequential to her - they will feel empowering). So, for example, if she brings you two books to read to her, you can ask "do you want to sit on this side of me, or that side of me?" and "do you want to read this book first or that book?" It may sound silly, but when a child gets to make so many decisions about her little world, she is much more likely to comply when you need her to. If you do this over the course of several days (and get other caregivers on board to do the same) you should see a shift and much less stubbornness. I hope that addresses all your questions and is helpful. Best, Meg

• Su Oh, ok. I thought I was giving her choices, but you're right, it is usually when I need her to do something (geting dressed, eating, etc). I will try to give her choices throughout the day with little things too. And great idea about the transition for getting out of bed after nap. Thank you, this is all very helpful!

Tantrums/Defiance

• Meg A. Hi Catalina, As you probably know (and, will see from many of the other similar questions I'm getting today), this kind of behavior is very common at this age. But, behind every behavior, there is something your child is trying to communicate. Toddlers are trying to muster some control in a world where they are constantly being told what to do and when and how to do it. It is our job to teach them and provide the structure and guidance they absolutely need, while still fostering independence and a sense of empowerment. The best way to do this is to proactively give your toddler choices, choices, choices throughout the day. From the moment they wake up to the moment they go to sleep at night, I encourage you to provide choices about the most seemingly incidental things: "Do you want your milk before or after you come out of bed?" "Should we read a short book or have breakfast first?" "Would you like your blue cup or your red cup?" "Do you want these green socks or yellow socks? "Should we put on your shirt first or your pants?" Admittedly, you're going to feel a little silly at first asking all these questions throughout the day, and the choices that you're giving your child will seem inconsequential, but to your child, they are not unimportant because it gives him/her the important feeling of having control of his/her little world. If you can get in the habit of doing this for several days in a row (and, then continue naturally because, you'll be in the habit), you'll start to see that the power struggles over the things that you need your child to do (or not do) will start to melt away. Children who are given lots of appropriate choices are much more compliant when you need them to be. In terms of the tantrum responses, it's ok to use different strategies at different times and among different caregivers as long as none of those strategies involves giving in to the tantrum. They only way to stop tantrums and whining is to be 100% consistent in never giving in to the child's demand in response, because, of course, it reinforces the behavior. In my experience, when parents don't engage with the child (except to hold/hug them to calm them physically, if necessary), it's more effective. Giving your child the message that you're only ready to give them attention and have a discussion with them when she/he is calm and can use a normal voice, works best to not fuel further tantrums. (Children can't really be reasoned with in tantrum mode anyway because they are acting from a different part of their brain.) I hope this is helpful! Best, Meg

Understanding "No" & Positive Discipline Methods

• Meg A. Hi Kate, I think you're on the right track with your "baby hulk!" You're correct that yelling isn't the way to go, and that being firm and consistent and providing positive feedback when he's behaving well will be more effective in the long run. There must always be a "consequence" for the behavior in order to teach him to not throw inappropriate things. If it's a toy - then taking the toy away for a certain amount of time works as a consequence (e.g. "This toy isn't for throwing, You'll be able to play with it again when you're able to do so without throwing it. I'm putting it away now -- we'll try that toy again tomorrow. Let's play with something else now." If it's something that can't be taken away (a piece of furniture), then a "time out" to calm down and be removed from attention for a set amount of time is effective if done consistently. You can handle the situation when you're out of the home in the same way (e.g. taking a toy that he's throwing away, removing him from the immediate situation for a time out) and ask baby sitters and daycare to provide appropriate consequences as well. In addition, provide lots of outlets (lots of soft balls and other toys meant for throwing) for him to be able satisfy his urge to hurl things - games of throwing a nerf ball into a hoop for example) and for lots of physical exertion in play that will give him outlets for all that energy! With consistency , firmness and re-direction, you'll get through this "hulk" stage! Best, Meg

Ditching the Pacifier

• Meg A. Hi Caitlin, In my experience, diminishing the pacifier use gradually over time works better than cold turkey. Your son is still young and may still need some sucking time for soothing. You can limit is to certain places/times. So, start with something like just allowing it at home and when he's getting ready to nap in his stroller. Then later on, when you feel he might be ready, you can limit it to just sleep time. Eventually (age 3 or 4) you can use a reward chart to help him stop altogether. Best, Meg

Our Q&A is now over.

Toddler Holding in Bowel Movements

• Meg A. Hi Jane, I'll address your question later tonight. Stay tuned... Meg

• Meg A. Hi Jane, This is a very tricky struggle because there are three things we can't physically make our children do: eat, sleep, and poop! So, you can't get him to go, you can only motivate him to want to do it himself. You know that he is capable because he was already potty trained. But, first, I'm wondering, are you sure that he is holding it in rather then constipated? You should talk to your pediatrician about this if you haven't already. Perhaps he needs a stool softener. If you know for sure that he is holding it in, then you are in a power struggle with your son! Reward charts usually work very well for these one-time, behavior-changing challenges (such as potty training and giving up a pacifier). I would encourage you to try that again with consistency. Set up the parameters - how many times will he need to NOT hold in his bowel movement and get a sticker to get a reward. Make the number manageable, yet enough to establish a change in behavior. Create a nice chart using a theme that he might like. And, decide in advance what the reward will be when he succeeds in getting all the stickers (say, ten) -- Perhaps it is a special outing around a particular interest of his, or something similar. It should be something he would really enjoy and will motivate him. Persevere - you'll figure this out! Meg

Temperamental one year old

• Meg A. Hi Stephanie, It may be frustration, but it sounds like it might also be about her wanting more control. See my previous answers about control (I explain it most in Catalina's answer). This seems to be the main theme in today's questions. And, in terms of the screaming, make sure you don't change your mind about giving her something because she's screaming. That will reinforce the behavior. If you never give in to the screaming, she will learn that it doesn't work. Either give her what she wants if it's acceptable when she points or asks for more, or don't if it's not and stick to it. I hope that helps! Best, Meg

Manipulative Behavior & The Pout

• Meg A. Hi Yael, I appreciate that you used the words, "trying out," because that is exactly what he's doing. He is testing the boundaries to see what's allowed and how much control he can get. So, the way that he'll learn the boundaries is if there is always a "consequence" for an undesirable behavior (notice that I didn't say "punishment" -- for more about the difference, read my book!) and praise/reward (notice I didn't say "bribe" or "present") for desirable behavior. Consequences can involve discontinuing the activity, taking away the game that's being played, or, if there is no obvious consequence, a set time (five minutes would be good at this age - set the timer) where he sits in a designated spot to think about what he did wrong and when the time is up to tell you what it was before resuming normal activities. If he leaves the designated sitting spot before the time is over, the time starts again. This may seem harsh, but if consequences are given consistently, you won't need to use it them at all eventually because he'll know that when you tell him something that you mean it. We used these type of consequences (e.g. stopping the activity/game for any infraction and the "time-out chair" for a very short period in each of our four children's early toddlerhood, and never had to use them again. As for the pouting, try not to respond except to acknowledge that you see that he's upset and that you understand why he's upset (and, in fact, encourage him to use words to express his feelings), but it doesn't change that you are in charge and set the rules. If he doesn't ever get his way when he pouts, he'll stop pouting. I hope that helps! Best, Meg

• Yael Thank you!

Clingy 19 month old

• Meg A. Hi Rachel, It's getting late and I didn't get to your question, but I will answer it tomorrow. Stay tuned... Meg

• Meg A. Hi Rachel, I'm sorry that I didn't get to this yesterday. Yours was the last question and they were coming fast and furious all day! This is a difficult question to answer without knowing a little more about the situation and how you got to this place, and I'm reluctant to offer suggestions without the ability to have a dialogue and learn more. I would recommend consulting with your pediatrician or a parenting educator who can get a fuller history and picture of the situation. There is a meaning behind the behavior -- something a child is trying to communicate -- but it's not entirely clear what's going on here. If I had to surmise, I would say that he is communicating that he wants your undivided attention and that he doesn't feel that he gets it unless he is being held by one of you. The reason he might behave fine for his babysitter and grandmothers and not for you is that he doesn't need to communicate frustration to them because they probably give him mostly undivided attention when they are with him. They have the intent and time to do that and that's their job (in the case of your babysitter) or privilege (in the case of the grandmothers). Of course, it's unrealistic for parents to be able to give their baby undivided attention all the time. But, I'm wondering if you've been giving him enough time where he has the full attention of one or both of you. Are you multi-tasking when you play with him? Do you text or talk on your phone much of the time when you're together? Or, do you have chunks of time where you are able to completely disconnect from electronics and give him complete attention? Babies need undistracted interaction with a parent for healthy emotional development, and I'm just wondering if he's conveying that he's not getting enough. I may be totally wrong, but based on my knowledge of child development and the little I know about your situation, that is worth exploring. Does this resonate with you at all? If so, I suggest working on talking and interacting with him more without distractions and being fully present when you're playing with him. Also, give him lots of touch -- proactively cuddle and hug him when you're playing, reading, and talking to him as often as possible. In terms of the dealing with the tantrums, since I don't know enough about this particular situation, I would recommend getting your pediatrician's input on this. Exploring the message behind the behavior and talking to your baby's doctor about safe ways to handle the tantrums should help you solve this problem. Best, Meg